Search

Hesitation

Bailey Maholm
Jan 31, 2018
3 min read

Day 12: Hesitation

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and from the VERY first time you speak with them you know- this is going to be an incredible friendship.

Your words to one another flow so rapidly, yet so beautifully. There's never any awkward silence, but rather intentional and thought provoking moments when you both know, it is time to pause. Your conversations range from witty and sarcastic banter, to deeply rooted discussions about life and its ups and downs.

Your conversations go on for hours and hours and you never get bored with one another.

You could talk from 5pm to 5am.

And you do.

Have you ever gotten so close to this incredible friend that you start to know EXACTLY what they love- and what they hate? You know these things so well that the two of you push each others buttons until you end up raising your voice, and sometimes turning away; but only for a moment, because the two of you know exactly how to reset the buttons and make each other smile, forgetting about whatever the hell it was that made you want to punch them five minutes ago.

Have you ever had that incredible friendship start to develop into something more?

Have you sat there at 3am laughing hysterically with them, thinking to yourself "You know I think this might just be the perfect time to kiss you" and quickly brush those thoughts aside and tell yourself it was just a fleeting moment?

A simple misunderstanding?

Have you ever kissed that person, that BEST friend, and thought to yourself "yes this is exactly right. Everything about this is good."? Then you and that best friend start talking about the possibility of being more than that. It is a little uncomfortable at first, yes you'll admit that, but the uncomfortable giggles turn into genuine robust laughter, and you guys forget that it was even awkward to begin with.

Have you traveled far from that person and started to think to yourself "Wow. There is a possibility that I might fall in love with you."?

Did that thought scare you into running away?

Yes.

Did you tell that person it was over in a hurtful, and childish way because you didn't know how to approach them?

Yes.

Did you tell yourself it was "fine" because you guys were never actually together?

Did you spend that time away from them convincing yourself that you would never have actually worked out?

Yes.

Did you end up seeing that person again, happy with someone else, and did you assure them you could "just be friends again"?

Did your heart break?

Did you decide that going out with someone else would fix everything?

Did that break you even more?

Yes.

Did you spend an entire year convincing yourself that you were NOT hurt and that you never actually had feelings for your friend?

Did you try and tell yourself that even though you ruined something that could have been great, it was for the best?

Yes.

Do you still look back and ache at what could have been?

Do you sometimes try to talk to them over text just so you can have a ridiculously small glimpse at what you had?

Yes.

And finally, is your heart healed? Have you been able to tell this person that you're in a good place about them, and that even though you have struggled, you're okay with how things turned out?

Actually, yes.

However, when I first wrote this post almost a year ago and saved it as a draft, the answer was-

"No. But someday I will."

The reason I'm posting this on the day labeled "hesitation" is because I hesitated to share this story for almost an ENTIRE YEAR.

I hesitated to share my heart with that person.

I hesitated to share with the people around me that cared about my heart, and cared about what I had to say.

I kept this story to myself and refused to bear my heart, because it was so shattered.

But now that I'm happy again, now that there is no hesitation.....now I guess you can know my heart.

From now on I'm going to try and have less hesitation when it comes to sharing.

Because in the end we only have one life to share, so why not share our stories and allow others to share theirs in return?

With Love Always,

Bailey