Acting vs. Authenticity

I'm an actress.

I've been trained in putting on the skin of a different person since I was four years old.

I love it. I wouldn't change anything about it.......well.

Except one thing.

All of this acting training? I believe that it has given me the tools to fall subject to a lack of authenticity.

Of course this is at the fault of my own doing, but the expertise in becoming someone I'm not, can be attributed to the years and years of practice I've had on, and off the stage.

I have recently come to the realization that over the course of my life I will mold and shift my personality, mannerisms, sometimes my beliefs, and especially my "level of happiness" for the group of people I'm with.

GAH.

Admitting to that stings.

But it's true.

It all TRULY started after I got bullied in high school.

Literally kicked to the ground (that was a fun day), told I was too "boyish" that I was a "fag" that I should "probably put on some makeup...it'll help your face" told that I'm "not pretty, but maybe some guy will think you're cute if you stop wearing graphic T's" and on and on and on.

From there I decided to take my acting training and put it to what I thought was practical use.

I decided to try and pretend that I liked things I really hated in order to gain friendships.

Ya know, the age old trope where the geeky girl tries to be more like the popular girls and ultimately ends up getting more friends but feels sick while doing it because of the inauthentic persona eating through the cheap Forever 21 dresses and sparkly bronze eyeliner.

Then there was the transition from high school to college.

When I was attending school for musical theatre? I changed my beliefs to fit the mold of the people around me. I tried so hard to be accepted by the glitzy fake smiles and the "Broadway or bust" divas that I left my identity in Christ to be trampled in the dust.

What did all of this acting do for me?

Built for me a toxic group of friends, a seriously unhealthy relationship with my body image, and some pretty scarred up forearms.

Obviously the entire experience wasn't a negative one. I still have some beautiful connections to people from that era in my life, and the training I received there should never be looked down on, but ultimately it was destructive.

From there I made the decision (by the grace of the good Lord in Heaven above) to work at Catholic Youth Summer Camp instead of taking an understudy job at a semi-professional theatre.

I discovered Christ again, redefined my faith, and gained the most beautiful friendships.

Working there literally changed my life.

But some of it didn't stick.

Why?

Because I was TOTALLY acting.

I acted like I had it all together for the people I was around because it felt like they had it all together. I acted like I had their sense of humor. I acted like I had some sort of "holiness" that made me "relatable" and "a cool Catholic".

Honestly? Only a few people who knew me then, know me authentically because I was acting in the role of "staff member extraordinaire" for the majority of my time there.

Then I left camp, and the acting complex led me into two different toxic relationships with guys who I thought I had to act like a different person for in order to please them.

The literal transformation of my personality was not only hurtful to myself, but ultimately hurtful to them, because I wasn't being true to the person God has made me to be.

All of this has to change.

This constant cycle of being who I truly am with a select group of people, then turning around and putting on a costume for everyone else according to what I think they would like best, has got to come to an end.

Thankfully I know exactly how to do this.

Stop acting.

Stop playing a part.

Stop pretending that I'm not a confident, capable, kinda dorky, obsessed with flowers, coffee loving, extremely empathetic, outdoorsy, domestic, daughter of God.

And those things only brush the surface of who I am.

So- ladies and gents I'm so so excited to share with you who I am authentically.

And I'm also excited to continue sharing different characters with you- but this time let's keep them on stage.

Cool?

Cool.

Later Taters.

Love, Bailey

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