2019 Was the Year My Life Changed Forever

photo - Damascus Catholic Mission Campus

The title might seem very dramatic, but it doesn't even begin to describe what happened to me over the course of this year.

This Year, was the Year Jesus Christ Became the Lord of My Life.

Let's start at January 1, 2019.

I was in London England with my older sister Madison. We had just rung in the new year at a little pub near the Camden Markets where we played a rip-roaring game of foosball with an Italian guy with a twirly mustache, and a Frenchman with a love for beanies and "Zos American girls".

I was extremely depressed, and found it hard to enjoy our travels abroad due to my crippling anxiety over every. little. situation. Although, I still had an incredible time and I'm so glad I went - I want to go back again and redeem myself for sure.

JANUARY 2019

January flew by. Spent in England, France, and then back in Columbus. The bullet points of this month were -

- I was entering my last year at Ohio State.

- I was still mourning a break up, even though it happened a year earlier.

- I had just discovered that I really loved weight lifting.

- I had just gotten cast in the musical Into The Woods as Cinderella.

- I was helping out at a youth group, but struggling with it because I felt like a fraud.

yikes.

FEBRUARY

February was marked by my journey with Into the Woods. Not only was I struggling to balance a full time school schedule and rehearsal (why did I do that to myself?), but I was struggling to play Cinderella. I thought to myself every rehearsal,

"You are not beautiful enough to play this part. Your soprano voice is not strong enough to support this role. You are not vulnerable enough to play this wayward princess."

Those are battles with my identity that I had to slowly, but surely overcome. I overcame it through the most incredibly supportive director and music director, but also through an incredible cast who did nothing but show me love and support.

This show also proved to me that I could not only play a soprano role, but I could remain Catholic in the midst of production. I used to abandon my faith whenever I entered a rehearsal process, but this time I admitted to people that I was Catholic, and that I was practicing, and I got up enough courage to tell them that they were loved.

It was a big step for me, but the Lord was merely beginning a slow drizzle that would soon be the hurricane of my heart.

MARCH

I wrapped my musical and visited Los Angeles with my amazing mother on Spring Break. While there, I realized my love for the mountains and the sea, and fell into awe at the beauty of nature, and the beauty of the vibrant and busy West Coast city.

My mom and I grew closer, but my faith started to dwindle. I started to doubt. I started to struggle with my auto-immune diseases again and struggled to get to the gym. I struggled to walk some days. I struggled to believe that a God who loves could let me suffer like that.

But I also spent a lot of March with an amazing new best friend. This friend would join me for coffee on Thursdays (a new shop every week, a new environment to thrive every week), and he challenged me to keep challenging my Faith - to keep asking why I believed what I believed, and to always remember who love is and what He does for us.

APRIL

The month of extreme doubt and despair.

My mind settled into darkness, and I carried burdens on my shoulders that felt like the cement made of the crippling unknown.

I stopped helping out at youth group because I felt like the kids couldn't learn from someone struggling to believe.

I put my nose to the grindstone at school, and paid attention to little else.

I decided I wanted to move to Boston to attend grad school to become a theatre teacher.

I secretly decided I was going to abandon my faith.

MAY

I visited Boston.

I panicked.

I realized that here, I would abandon my faith and my God.

I realized I didn't want that.

I didn't want that at all.

I realized at Mass in that corrupt little city of Boston, MA- that he wasn't calling me to live here amongst the evil, muck, grime, and hatred.

I withdrew from Emerson.

I turned back to Christ, even if I didn't feel His presence I tried to pray.

I tried to pray that anxiety away.

Later that month I got a Facebook message from an amazing woman, reaching out to ask me to help her daughter at a week of Catholic Youth Summer Camp.

He was whispering in my ear saying, "Go. I'm calling you. I'm calling you to my heart."

Even if I couldn't hear Him quite yet, I felt the tug.

I said yes.

JUNE

The month everything changed.

Forever.

For Good.

I decided that I was focusing way too much on myself, and that what I needed was to completely abandon all selfishness, and give everything I had to another.

Going to camp with the amazing, spirit filled, feisty, hilarious, joy of a woman that is Liz? It gave me the opportunity to abandon myself, and regain my faith.

That week at Catholic Youth Summer camp I experienced revival in a way I never thought possible.

I saw a room full of over 150 high school kids giving their lives over to Jesus Christ.

I saw a group of missionaries living in true authentic love.

I saw a girl trust me to take care of her completely, and experienced a love for her that I didn't know was possible.

I experienced a love for every single human in that place.

I experienced HIS love.

The love of Christ Jesus, the man who died on the cross for our sins. He showed me His love in the eyes of every single person at that camp.

There was not a soul in that room who I didn't love. I probably didn't even know their name, but I loved them, and I loved them hard.

I sang louder than every before.

I spoke words of truth into the lives of the young women I was with.

Those women, and many other amazing people at that camp spoke words of truth into my life.

They showed me what it means to be loved.

They showed me what it means to care.

They showed me what it means to love and serve like Jesus.

Jesus showed me his face, and for the first time I heard his voice clear as day say to me

"You are my daughter. You are loved. Your identity is in me. You are beautiful. You belong with me. You belong here".

On Wednesday June 19, 2019 I gave my life over to God.

I laid down in front of the Blessed Sacrament and said "I am yours."

My life has never been the same.

But oh, He wasn't done yet.

JULY

The first month of my life where I actually committed to daily prayer, and never missed a morning.

I went to Mass 6 days a week because I just couldn't get enough of the Blessed Sacrament, and I knew that the Holy Eucharist was the best way to keep me from falling into sin and doubt.

I got up at 5am to receive Him daily, and then I would head to work.

I taught theatre to a bunch of young kids in Columbus Ohio, and realized that I loved it, but I also wanted SO DEEPLY to share the Gospel with them.

I loved them hard, I supported them, but I yearned to speak to them about Jesus.

AUGUST

I finally graduated from Ohio State.

I felt proud, accomplished, and relieved that my years of #sostressedanddepressed were finally over.

My beautiful Godson was born,

I took a lot of pictures.

I continued to pray daily, attend Mass often, and spend an abundant amount of time with family.

He began to heal my relationships.

SEPTEMBER

I started auditioning like crazy to try and book professional theaters.

I was convinced I needed to make acting my career.

I continued to pray.

I continued to notice new ways that the Lord was working in my heart - showing me that it was silly to get angry over little things, showing me that my family deserves more love than I give them, showing me that during my rehearsal processes I should speak about him with the passion that I had for him.

I just kept noticing.

I also read "An Introduction to the Devout Life" by Saint Francis DeSales and it changed the way I saw the world.

I started to notice everything.

I noticed God in everything.

Whoa. God, you are in ALL GOOD THINGS!

OCTOBER

So began the hurricane.

I rehearsed and performed in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

I found it hard to relate to my cast. I had that sinking feeling that no one liked me.

I was overwhelmed in my new position as dance captain, and was feeling broken, and had no confidence in my abilities.

However - I found abundant joy in the middle school and high school kids on our cast. I found comfort in loving them with as much of the love of the Father as I could muster. I called upon the Holy Spirit daily to give me the courage to love my entire cast with a fire that cannot be put out.

I thought Into the Woods was my test of faith, but Joseph was my true test.

Daily I proclaimed His name, and daily I had to lean on Him because I found the entire process so taxing.

I also made an amazing new friend who not only showed me the best music and movies I have consumed to date- but he showed me that it's okay to be upset. It's okay to struggle to fit in. It's okay to have down days - God will still show up.

He showed me that sometimes I'm a total drama queen, and that I should really just get over it and be positive. He was brutally honest.

He also showed me that God is going to love me in every situation, no matter how hard, no matter how dramatic, no matter what my position is in life - God is going to work in and through art and he is going to make it beautiful.

This friend is one of the best things to happen to me in 2019, and I thank God for him every single day.

NOVEMBER

I started to really get into the swing of my new job, which allows me to serve families every day.

I started to heavily discern my 2020 year.

I started to explore what it really means to love myself. Not in a selfish and self-absorbed way - but in the way that we deserve to respect ourselves as children of the King.

We should know that we are incredible and cherished and worthy and loved.

I also struggled with my emotions, and learned to lean on God's faithfulness in all things.

I also started to feel sick again.

DECEMBER

The next month that marked a change in my life, forever.

Rehearsals for A Christmas Story began, and the stress of the last show started to sink in.

But this time it was different.

This time I felt loved by my cast, and I loved my cast right back.

I knew I was going to make life-long friends.

I also decided to go to an event at Damascus Catholic Mission Campus known as "The Outpouring". It was a night of worship that was focused on bringing revival to our hearts, so that we can bring revival to the world through the message of our God.

They told us to ask God for big things.

Bold things.

Things we believed "too big" for him to handle.

I was feeling incredibly sick that night, and I came to the realization that I didn't believe in healing.

I didn't truly believe that he could heal my stomach issues, my joint pain, or my allergies to food that I've been struggling with for 13 years.

I believed in ALL of His goodness - except for healing.

He called me to challenge that belief.

He called me to ask others to pray over me for healing.

I walked up to the prayer team.

I asked that they pray for healing.

I felt my stomach flip inside of me.

I saw an image of Mary with her hand on Elizabeth's belly, laughing at the joy of her awaited son.

I felt relief in my body.

I felt okay.

I felt healed.

Was this real?

Did he really just heal me?

Did the God of Heaven and Earth come down and heal my 13 years of gut issues?

The answer is yes.

I am able to eat foods without debilitating pain,

Typing out that sentence makes me cry tears of joy, and lift up my hands in praise for the King of Kings who is SO good to me.

My body still doesn't love the icky processed foods, but as long as I'm eating good, whole, nutrient dense foods that He created - I'm fine.

I AM FINE WHEN I EAT ALL WHOLE FOODS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME JESUS!?!?!??!?! I ATE GLUTEN AND I COULD STILL WALK AND FUNCTION AFTERWARDS WHAT?!

But do you know what healing was even more amazing to me than the erasure of YEARS of dietary struggles?

The Lord healed me of my eating disorder.

Since the age of 16 I have been through periods of self-inflicted starvation, through endless cycles of binge and purge and binge and purge, and through a daily battle with self-hatred and self-harm.

I have not had one disordered thought about food since December 14th, 2019.

The Day the Lord Healed me.

The Day the Lord brought restoration to my life.

The Day my physical and mental health were transformed.

The Day God showed me that absolutely nothing is impossible.

The Day God showed me I am totally capable of His Love.

I AM MADE NEW.

After the 14th, I continued to live my life with as much love and joy as humanly possible. Throughout Advent I strove to show everyone I encountered as much love as possible.

At work, in my cast, in my family, the cashier at the grocery store - anywhere I could, I loved.

Christmas came.

He came.

He restored.

JANUARY 1 2020

The Lord showed me that this coming year is all about serving His people.

He showed me in prayer that this year is all about drawing as close as I can to His heart, through the hearts of others.

He showed me that this year is going to be a year of continued healing, continued restoration, and a continued increase in joy.

He showed me that I will struggle - but this time I will struggle with Him.

Which is an Adventure I cannot wait to undertake.

Cheers!

Here's to 2020