Eat

Day 17: Eat

What a difficult word, especially for me, to try and unpack.

From day one I have struggled with eating and everything that goes along with it.

LITERALLY.

Day one.

My mouth was so small I couldn't eat.

True story.

When I was in elementary school I ate food like it was going out of STYLE, and maintained a plump physique.

When I was in middle school I got diagnosed with a gluten, soy, and milk allergy. This caused me to loose all the baby weight, but it also completely changed my relationship with food and with eating.

When I was in high school I gained all the weight right back because I learned how to eat LARGE portions of my gluten, milk, and soy free diet.

This cycle continued into my junior year when I was diagnosed with IBS, and had to cut out all starches, grains, and processed sugars. Again, loosing all of the weight and even coming to a point refusal to eat. Eating SCARED me because I knew how much it hurt my body every time I consumed food. I was the definition of frail until college, when again, I learned what I could eat and began to eat it in excess.

This unhealthy struggle with eating took me to my junior year of college when I again, refused to eat because it was causing me so much pain. I got to a point of weakness that forced me to pull out of school and try my best to heal myself.

So, I went on the Auto-Immune Paleo (AIP) diet and tried my best to heal myself, yet again.

This worked for about a year and then my stupid idiot self watched a documentary on being a vegan and I decided to try THAT lifestyle.

This led me to a gross habit of overeating yet again, and yet again I mutilated my body with grains and sugars.

I once again, gained all the weight back.

Yes, the vegan lifestyle has cured people- but it ruined me.

Now here I am trying desperately to go back on the AIP diet, and do my best to heal my body again.

I struggle every. single. day. with eating.

It is an absolute nightmare.

I wake up in the morning thinking to myself "Okay Bailey. Today is the day you're going to stick to AIP so you can heal yourself, get back to a healthy weight, and stop this incessant pain."

But then the mental health issues take over and I end up bingeing on something my body can't handle, and I find myself in horrifying pain. This is when then the mental monsters takes over.

It feels like a never ending cycle of skinny, fat, normal, frail, bloated, healthy. Repeat.

It feels like I'll never find a place where I'm happy with the way my body feels AND looks.

But you know what? Even though eating ends up taking over every mental capacity I own at times, deep down I know that eating does NOT define someone.

I crave health.

But in order to achieve health, I felt like I needed to take the time write it down.

To not be afraid to admit that my binge eating and chronic illnesses stomp me into a sick little ugly duckling every. damn. day.

Writing this down is a sort of therapy for me; a sort of accountability to myself that I need to make sure that I'm striving for health in every aspect of my life, every second of my life.

Because I know that my mental and physical health struggle are a large part of me, but I will not allow them to define me.

I am writing this down today to say that I am taking HUGE steps to make sure that, maybe all those years of my life leading up to now were a struggle and mess, but every year after now is going to be a beautiful discovery of healthy mind and healthy body.

So here's to a GOOD relationship with the word EAT

Here's to eating with a mindset of nourishment and health, not pleasure and temporary fulfillment.

With Love Always,

Bailey ♥